InsaneJournal

Friday November 28, 2008


[OOC: Garret may be able to make out the crossed out text if you want. It's got a few crinkly spots from him being all teary eyed about his true beloved. XD]

Dear Garret,

I have nothing to say. Mostly because whatever I say wouldn’t be enough. I would take me pages and months to convey just how much you’ve helped me. So I’ll try.

Most of what I have to say would be filler. Make things look better by filling up paper to make it look good. You’d see through it. You always will and do. I’m at a loss to even begin to tell you how all of this I’m shit. I’m a manipulative bastard with sick intentions. I am one of the worst people you have probably met. I’m also lost and scared and feel inadequate.

I’m so fucked up right now I’m not even sure how I’m writing this. My therapist says to just start writing and let it take you wherever it wants to. I think we’ve finally got the right dosage of meds. I’m not tired or angry. I’m feeling more like myself. The real me. Like I’m balanced now. It’s nice. I got to go outside the other day. I got to wear my own clothes and my stitches are out. The cold air actually felt nice.

I never thought I’d be so happy to be outside. I didn’t feel stifled or closed in. My therapist says I’m doing better, but I’ve still got a way to go. I’m sticking with it. I have therapy every other day and group Therapy in between. The constant schedule and rigid manner of everything helps. My feet feel like they’re on solid ground. I don’t have to worry about hiding or someone being after me. It’s good.

I’m really supposed t be writing a letter about why I did what I did. Why hurt Rorie. Why I tried to kill myself. Why I tried to kill Rez. You already know though. You knew before I did. You always knew everything before I did. I’ve apologized and apologized over and over again. It doesn’t do any good if I keep messing up though. That’s why I’m here.

I’m glad I am here. As weird as it sounds. The things I’ve done don’t deserve forgiveness, especially from you. I don’t know if you’ll ever believe me or trust me or want to look at me again, but for what it’s worth I am so sorry. I’m sorry for every snide remark, for every fight, for every trick, every lie, every perversion, every harm I’ve done to you and Rorie. Everything. I’m sorry for it all.

What all that I’ve put you through, both you and Rorie, I’m surprised you haven’t just thrown me in jail. Thank you, for not doing that. I’m not real sure what else to say. Oh I know! You’re like the older brother I’ve always wanted! Because that’s not gay! Thanks for being there and putting up with my shit. It’s more than I could ask for.

Love you Garret,

Finn